I had a moment where I seriously got a nauseating "what the fuck have I done?" reaction. I seriously almost broke down back into faith. I mean... I saw all my friends, liberal and conservative and just... felt sick having to save face and hide my disbeliefs.
And then class was just... it was awesome. It reminded me of my former passion for the Bible. It brought up those deep brainwashed ideas that "The Bible is canon! The Bible is canon! It's God breathed!" etc etc.
So when I asked the usual Atheist's problem with Luke 1-
"How do you respond to those who say "virgin" in the Greek is a complete mistranslation of the Hebrew "almah" in Isaiah from which the gospel writers are supposedly writing to say Jesus fulfilled this verse?"
...and actually got an answer I did not expect? An answer that showed there was former Jewish tradition of Melchizedek being born of a virgin? That this MAY have actually been a real Jewish expectation and not a mistranslation?
I almost lost it. I felt sick.
I still feel kinda sick. I've been schooled, man. Which is maybe why I knew, deep down I just new that I had to go back to this college.
But I'm trying to hold my own. I sat on the bus really thinking and had to ask myself "why should the Bible be the only true account of God?" "What makes you think God, if he exists, would fit this mold?" "What of your other problems with the bible (infanticide, genocide)?"
And I still know I'm going to stay in my disbeliefs. I can by no means just jump back! That's for certain. It's be taking on a butt-load of doctrines I can't accept.
Maybe I have to start reconstructing? Maybe I'm at the last stage, like Descartes was, when all he could say is "I think, therefore I am" and then reconstructed his faith from scratch? I dunno if I'm there yet... but I have a feeling this semester is going to deeply impact me. (Atheists out there, help my shock!)
For anyone interested:
I didn't find the source yet, but apparently the myth of Melchizedek says that his mother came to his father with news of a miraculous pregnancy. The father accused her of infidelity and had her stoned (or whatever, killed). As she dropped to the floor, out popped Melchizedek.... prophesying!! His father picked him up, and raised him.
Hence why Hebrews says "he was born without a mother, nor father." He had no father due to miraculous birth, and his mother was dead. Ever question why Hebrews said this when the Bible said nothing of it? Now you know.
Also with John the Baptist being Elijah, someone questioned if the Jews expected a physical return of Elijah himself. The answer was no. To seal the deal, he gave the example of how to this day, Jewish fathers place their just circumcised sons on the "seat of Elijah" with the hope that "this one will be he!"
4 classes to go, including philosophy of religion which will probably jolt me back to my senses.